It starts innocently enough. A buddy invites you to play. You borrow some clubs. You shoot 130 and somehow have the best day of your life. You think, "I should do this again sometime."
Then "sometime" becomes next Saturday. Then every Saturday. Then Wednesday evenings too. Then you're watching the Golf Channel at 11pm on a Tuesday. Then you're buying a $400 driver because the guy at Golf Galaxy said it would fix your slice (it didn't, but it SOUNDS better going into the trees).
Welcome to golf addiction. It's real. It's progressive. And there is no cure.
If you're wondering whether you've crossed the line from "I play golf" to "golf has consumed my identity," here are the warning signs.
The Early Symptoms
1. You Check the Weather App More Than Your Email
Not because you care about the weather. Because you care about Saturday's weather. Specifically, whether it will be warm enough, dry enough, and wind-free enough to play 18. You have opinions about weather models now. You know what a "40% chance of rain" actually means in practice (it means you're playing).
2. You've Described a Shot to Someone Who Wasn't There
"So I was on 14, 185 out, slight uphill, wind coming from the left, and I pulled a 5-iron because the 6 was going to come up short, and I just FLUSHED it. Started it right of the pin, drew it back, landed on the fringe and rolled to about 6 feet."
The person you told this to does not play golf. They smiled and nodded. They have no idea what any of that means. You didn't care. You told the story twice.
3. You Have a "Swing Thought" Folder on Your Phone
Notes app. Screenshots of YouTube videos. Diagrams you drew at 1am. Reminders that say things like "HIPS FIRST" and "don't grip the chicken" and "pretend you're holding a bird." You have never successfully applied any of these during an actual round.
4. You've Practiced Your Swing in a Mirror
Bathroom mirror. Closet mirror. The reflection in your car window. You've checked your takeaway in the glass door of a Starbucks. You've done a half-swing in your cubicle at work. You've gripped an umbrella like a golf club in public and hoped nobody noticed.
They noticed.
The Intermediate Stage
5. You Own More Golf Shirts Than Regular Shirts
At some point — you don't remember exactly when — your wardrobe shifted. You open your closet and it's polos. Wall to wall. Moisture-wicking, UV-protecting, collar-having polos in every color. You have a golf shirt for "nice courses" and a golf shirt for "the muni." You have a lucky golf shirt. It hasn't been lucky yet, but you keep wearing it.
6. You've Driven Past a Golf Course and Felt Emotions
Not "oh, that's a nice course." Emotions. Longing. A physical ache. You're driving to work on a Tuesday morning and you pass the local course and there are people on the first tee and you feel genuine, visceral jealousy toward strangers.
"Must be nice," you mutter, as if you are imprisoned and they are free.
7. Your Browser History Is Embarrassing (But Not in the Way You'd Think)
"best putter for high handicap" "what is a strong grip vs weak grip" "why do I shank my irons" "how to stop topping driver" "can you return golf clubs to Golf Galaxy" "best golf balls for someone who loses a lot of golf balls" "is golf bad for your marriage reddit"
You've googled more golf questions than a Tour caddie has answered. You've read forum threads from 2009 about whether to interlock or overlap. You have watched a 45-minute video about putting alignment from a man named Dave who is standing in his garage.
8. You've Purchased Something Golf-Related at 2am
The witching hour. Everyone's asleep. You're in bed, phone in hand, one click away from a new wedge you don't need. Amazon. eBay. GlobalGolf. Callaway Pre-Owned. You know all the sites. You have alerts set.
"It's practically free at this price," you tell yourself about a $180 purchase. "I'd be losing money if I DIDN'T buy it."
The package arrives two days later. You hide it from your spouse. Not because it's expensive. Because it's the fourth one this month.
9. You've Canceled Plans to Play Golf
"Oh sorry, I can't make brunch. I have a... thing."
The thing is golf. The thing is always golf. You have rearranged dinners, birthdays, home repairs, and family obligations around tee times. You once told your partner you had a "work commitment" at 7am on a Saturday. The commitment was a tee time at the muni and it was the best lie you've told since your approach on 12.
10. You Talk to Your Ball
Out loud. In public. With conviction.
"Sit." "Get up." "BITE." "Be right." "Go GO GO." "GET DOWN." "Come on, baby."
You are speaking to a small dimpled sphere with no ears, no brain, and no ability to respond to verbal commands. It has never once listened to you. You will never stop talking to it.
The Advanced Stage (There Is No Coming Back)
11. You've Played in Conditions No Sane Person Would Play In
Rain? Played in it. Wind? Played in it. 38 degrees? Played in it with hand warmers in your pockets. 98 degrees with a heat index of "you will die"? Played in it. Brought extra water. Got sunburned in places you didn't know could sunburn.
The course was empty. You had the whole place to yourself. It was miserable and perfect and you'd do it again.
12. You Have a Handicap You Can Recite Faster Than Your Phone Number
"I'm a 22.4." No hesitation. No thinking. The number is tattooed on your brain. You know your trend. You know your best differentials. You know exactly which rounds were "unfair" and which ones "really represent your game" (they don't, but let you have this).
13. You've Had a Dream About Golf
Not a metaphorical dream. An actual sleeping dream where you were playing golf. And in the dream, you were hitting it pure. Every shot was perfect. The swing was effortless. You were shooting 72 and it felt real and natural and right.
Then you woke up and went to the range and topped your first three balls.
14. You've Considered Your Funeral in Golf Terms
"I want to be cremated and scattered on the 7th hole at Augusta." You've said this or something like it. You've thought about what course you'd want to play one last time. You've told someone that heaven better have a links course.
This is not normal. This is addiction. You are in too deep.
15. You're Planning Your Next Round Right Now
You're reading this article. About golf addiction. On a device that could be used for anything else. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking about your next round. When is it? Where? Who's playing? What's the weather going to be?
You're not reading this for help. You're reading this for validation.
The Prognosis
Golf addiction has no cure. There is no 12-step program, although ironically, 18 steps is exactly the problem. Support groups exist — they're called "foursomes" — but they only make things worse because everyone in the group is also addicted and instead of helping you quit, they enable you by saying things like "you should really try this new course."
The only treatment is acceptance. You are addicted to golf. It's expensive, time-consuming, frequently humiliating, and occasionally transcendent. It has ruined your weekends, your budget, and your ability to have a conversation that doesn't eventually circle back to that one drive you hit on 7.
And if someone offered to take it away — to remove golf from your life completely — you wouldn't let them.
Because tomorrow morning, the alarm goes off at 5:45. The coffee is pre-set. The bag is already in the trunk. The tee time is booked. And for the next four hours, nothing else matters.
That's not addiction.
That's love.
A Note to the Loved Ones
If someone you care about is showing these signs, please understand: there is nothing you can do. They're gone. The best approach is acceptance, occasional participation, and the understanding that when they say "just one more round," they don't mean it and they never will.
On the bright side, they could be addicted to much worse things.
At least this one comes with fresh air.